1. Finally talking to Pete about it properly.
2. In notetaking today the guy I was working with was talking to his group about religion and he was saying his viewpoint, "God gave us life but I don't think he wanted us to waste that life on our knees thanking him for it" and I said to myself in my head "but I like thanking him for it. I enjoy going to church." and then it kinda hit me that I'd just thought that...wow, i really do like it. and I had a little smile on my face because the whole time he was talking I was happy thinking about my own views and being comfortable with them.
so...this is really for my own satisfaction. i just...wanna stand up and say it i guess...its basically what I told Pete the other night:
growing up I was brought up in the church but it wasn't a big thing - we'd go when my mum wasn't working and we didn't have to go. I knew some stories from the Bible and could recite the Lord's Prayer because of school, and I liked putting my 20p in the church collection! Brownies and Sunday school also meant that I had some involvement with the church as I was growing up. I think it was more of a nice thing to do with the family than anything else.
then you get a bit older and you don't think about stuff like that. I'm thinking...end of primary school and beginning of high school kind of time. Not being in the Brownies anymore and spending weekends with friends meant that the church really wasn't a part of my life anymore.
then at 13/14 the whole crap with my uncle happened. found out he had cancer then he died. that majorly fucked me up. and it made me think about God and death a lot. infact, the first thing I ever cut into myself was a crucifix on my arm. i couldn't accept that he had gone to heaven, i still find it hard to deal with. see, heaven is supposed to be the best place you can be, right? so its meant to be a comfort when people say "its ok, hes in heaven now" but I couldn't/can't get my head around that. I can't see how anywhere is better for him than with his baby daughter. jesus...2 years old! anyway...thats not the point of this. yeah, so without heaven you can't really believe in the rest of it. plus i was pretty much hating on God for killing my uncle.
fastforward to...around the time I was in Falmouth. what was that...2 years ago? well it had been enough time for me to calm down a little about my uncle, and I'd almost completely stopped harming. and I was doing a lot of thinking. thats pretty much all i did in Falmouth. probably why i was so miserable.
well...anyone that knew me back then knew about the girls I lived with. evangelist christians. yeah...a whole lot of fun :| man...i hated them. I wore my Deicide tshirt on Sundays to offend them. I'd purposely swear and say "oh my fucking god! jesus fucking christ!" when i was around them...I would point my speakers at Dawns wall and blast out Deicide's Bible Basher...yeah i was a total asshole. and it was all because I hated the fact that they had that. they had that belief and they were confident in it. and i was so confused.
i bought a book about world religions and i would spend loads of time looking up religions on the internet. i knew there must have been something out there that fit my beliefs but i just had to find it. the reason i think i had such trouble was because i didn't really think about what i believed in...i just wanted something. i didnt really find anything.
a year later, in Derby, a teacher randomly mentioned that although the Forefathers wrote about God in the Declaration of Independence, they didn't believe in prayer and Jesus, etc. they were Deists. this kinda clicked something in my brain and I looked it up. it fit me so well and i thought finally I've found my religion! but for some reason i still wasn't completely comfortable.
it must've been bugging my brain a whole load. one day on h.net i think i'd just had enough. i made some post saying how i wished i lived in Tulsa, with it being the Bible belt and having a church on every corner. i thought in Tulsa people would actually believe in stuff and talk about it and i would have someone to confide in. Enter Lauren. she told me I should talk to Jos, that she could talk to me about stuff. so I did, and she did. she helped me clear stuff up in my own head, made me feel like I wasn't a complete fool for believing in God, and her and Lauren supported me when I was left feeling...like shit.
so now I've been to church quite a few times recently, whilst in Boston I bought myself a youth Bible that I'm reading through at the moment, I have some passages that Jos sent me printed and stuck up in my room, I've got the Lord's Prayer up next to my bed...I still don't feel confident talking out loud about this stuff. its a really personal thing for me right now (so I'll just stick it online for everyone to see! :P) but I feel happy. I feel supported and comforted and loved. still don't have all the answers, but who does? and...well I just wanted to get that out.
anyone thats known me for more than a year is probably thinking this is the last thing they'd see in my lj!
Boiled my pan dry again. ALMOST caused a fire this time! it was pretty bad. really smokey and the pan was actually stuck to the hob *fool*
I'm sooo tired. really tempted to just go to bed. I didnt get to bed til 3am and didn't get to sleep til 4am because I wanted to listen to Long Time Coming before I went to sleep. I would've gone to bed earlier but my head was flipping out about giving my wee to the doctor. whilst we're on the subject...i'll just copy/paste what i put on h.net...
I HATE AMERICA!
right, i go to the doctors, give her my piss, she tests it and just stands there looking at it like something is troubling her. I'm like "jeepers woman TELL ME!" i'm thinking im pregnany or diabetic or something!
then she said "are you on your period?" so naturally i SPAZ OUT and i just mumble yes and she said "ah that accounts for the blood and protein then"
but on the form she said it'd be a lot simpler if she could just put "no blood. no protein" because if she puts that shes found some they might think i've got something wrong with my kidneys. so I have to go back next Tuesday with another wee sample! i went through all that for nothing!
she said "when do you finish your period?" oh.my.god. i freaked out, seriously. I was just like "i don't know!" and wouldnt look at her. god i felt so humiliated! and she was like "well how long does it normally last for?" i was like "i dont know!!!!!" she said "well you'll be done in a week, won't you?" so i said yeah and the torture ended.
holy crap. that was so embarrassing. i can't believe i have to go through it all again."
sooooooooo I have to go back Tuesday with fresh piss.
also on the America front - i filled in my visa form today and printed it off. just gotta get a photo for it now. they're really strict too. Ruth had one once and you couldn't see the top of her left ear so they made her get another one!! wtf do they think shes gonna hide behind her ear? shes not Dumbo!
i need to write an assignment by friday if possible. its due in on Tuesday but I'm away to Scotland all weekend.