pfft...man. just when everything seemed to be going so well.
anyway, tomorrow i'm gonna be merry and go to the carol service at church. I've not been for a good few weeks and I could do with going there, help clear my head.
my tea was shit today. it was the most horrendous thing i've ever put in my mouth, and im not even sure what it was. looks like im on egg butties tonight.
i have nothing to report, im just trying to kill 5 minutes before I can use my phone...
eww. it wasn't pleasant. I stole a potato from Petes plate of leftovers, it must've soaked up some of the bacon juice.
anyway, the reason there were potatoes and pigs was because a) I got vouchers for marks and sparks and spent them on good food and b) I rock, so I made Pete a lovely tea.
I had new potatoes, carrots, brocolli and cabbage with a mushroom, leek and cheese pastry thingy. Pete had the same but with those little sausages wrapped in bacon. I bought mince pies too but Pete didn't have any so I'm munching my way through them.
I burnt my only decent sized pan so I did the veg in the oven (it was all pre-sliced and mixed in a little container). turned out pretty damn good. its nice having a full belly.
I'm actually looking forward to going home. I don't usually. I wanna see all the decorations and see my cats and my family and sit down on the sofa watching tv with everyone.
How heavy do I journey on the way,
When what I seek, my weary travel's end,
Doth teach that ease and that repose to say
'Thus far the miles are measured from thy friend!'
The beast that bears me, tired with my woe,
Plods dully on, to bear that weight in me,
As if by some instinct the wretch did know
His rider loved not speed, being made from thee:
The bloody spur cannot provoke him on
That sometimes anger thrusts into his hide;
Which heavily he answers with a groan,
More sharp to me than spurring to his side;
For that same groan doth put this in my mind;
My grief lies onward and my joy behind.
I need to pack my room up, I wonder what I'll do when I come to the random crap that I haven't thrown out:
an empty cigarette packet
an old lemon sherbert wrapper
whats the point in keeping them? but I don't want to throw them away. I hate that I attach such meaning to random objects.
and of course I'll have to sort all my junk out into two piles - stuff I'll be taking to America; stuff I'll be leaving at home. Takes too much thought and brain power.
I felt like shit yesterday. Today is much the same. I need to call work to see if they have shifts for me but I don't want to because I've left it so late.
In 3 hours I'm supposed to be giving a paper in that I haven't even looked at yet. I can't concentrate at all. All I can think about is America. I spent all night working on a project that has nothing to do with uni. I just don't care about it all anymore. Send me to America and get me away from it all.
So this, combined with I Will Come To You being on, led me to cry when Maree sent me the graphics she'd made for me. I thought about getting shitfaced. I seem to be leaning on alcohol again, minus actually drinking it. I just feel like I want to whenever I'm not feeling so good because I know it'll help me get it all out and then I'll feel better. It would probably also end up in me calling people and saying things that I shouldn't, so maybe its not a good idea.
Its the family Christmas meal on Friday. I'm pissed off, firstly because its at that damn carvery again. I don't like that place, plus I think Christmas meals with the family should be at someones house. Secondly because we always meet up after Christmas, and usually its even after New Year. I wanted to invite Lauren and Jos but theres no way they'll be able to come now when they'd have to be travelling home on Christmas Eve. I don't know who the fuck arranged this meal but its shit. fucking shit wank fuck.
I ate an entire selection box yesterday. I had no other food in the flat. I'm a fucking pig.
I hate when I don't have the guts to say "call me call me call me please, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone."
I seem to be enjoying these honesty things I find...maybe I'm just trying to kill time.
Always wanted to ask me a something? Heres your chance! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it honestly, then post this in your journal and let your friends ask you.
also going to screen these comments! Ask me anything...as many questions as you want. I'm bored enough to answer them all. I love that the internet creates this screen so I feel I can be open about stuff I probably wouldn't say face to face. anyway, go for it.
to anyone that replied to that "what do i really think of you" post...I screened comments on that for the first time. did you see my replies? I dunno if I did it right.
it feels like everything is being wrapped up - much like the presents - ready for me going away.
Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you, and I'll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.
I'm gonna screen the comments...cos I feel like it.